My Struggle to Find Meaning at Work
Guest Post by Andrew Goldstein
Andrew has been a long time listener and reached out to me after our recent epsiodes with Rav Yehuda Halpert. He said that the conversation reminded me of his own journey, and after exchanging a few voicenotes he kindly agreed to share it publicly. At the end I add one short reflection. -YW
At a Chanukah party in 2018, a friend from DRS and I were talking about our jobs. He was an investment banking analyst, and I was a manager at a company best described as a law firm that supports other law firms. I had recently graduated from Stony Brook University with a degree in journalism focused on science in medicine, moved to Washington Heights for the community and started dating the woman who would become my wife. My friend and I both found our jobs meaningless but lucrative. And we were both wrestling with the same questions: should we keep our jobs, save a nice pile of money, and then move on to something else? Or should we stay in our roles long term and look for meaning outside of work? Or maybe it made sense to leave as soon as possible.
Meaningful Work
Though different generations define it differently, most people seem to want “meaningful work.” That might mean work that is challenging or leads to personal growth, or it can mean work that leads to a positive impact in the world and is recognized. In an article I’ve seen referenced often in business books, people who saw themselves as actively crafting their jobs found them more meaningful. The commonly quoted example was custodians in an academic hospital who reframed their roles. They comforted and entertained patients, even though it wasn’t compensated. In another study, Adam Grant found that students soliciting donations for university scholarships raised more money after hearing from one graduate student about how the scholarship directly benefited his life and how grateful he was to the fundraisers. Seeing the impact of work on people is inherently motivating.
My Lack of Meaning
My job defied meaning. I was hired a month out of college after applying to a random role on indeed.com, getting a quick call to schedule an interview and sitting in a boardroom to be asked “Tell me more about yourself” and “Can you start Monday?”
I worked 9-6 with a one-hour break, writing up reports – mostly based on templates – that would be accepted by the US government to support visa applications. Someone else interacted with the law firm (which interacted with the company sponsoring someone’s visa). I then wrote the report and sent it to a proofreader who sent it back to the person interacting with the law firm. I could see the number of cases I had done but had no inkling if my reports were successful or not. It seemed like a box people checked – a cog in the visa machine.
Three weeks into the role I was promoted to work on somewhat more complicated reports and six months later, I became a co-manager of a team (which really just meant I was the team representative to our boss).
During this time, my friends called me a sellout. I took a job to make an income while looking for something else that would better align with my personal nature. The salary increased with the promotions and there were biannual bonuses and a very generous overtime policy. And the work was easy.
Because the reports were based on templates and the more cases one did, the better feel they had for it, I could essentially have a completely productive day while listening to shiurim. When the workday was over – unless I wanted overtime – I could leave the office and not think about it. The overtime was so lucrative that I had colleagues who would work all night and book a hotel in midtown or who would take a day off and then come in anyway to be able to count the entire day towards overtime.
Support from the Sources
Perhaps I didn’t need to derive meaning from work, though. I was dating, was an active member of the community, had chavrutot, and had a meaningful social life. I took solace in Messilat Yesharim (Zehirut): כִּי הִנֵּה הָעֵסֶק מֻכְרָח הוּא לָאָדָם לְצֹרֶךְ פַּרְנָסָתוֹ, אַךְ רִבּוּי הָעֵסֶק אֵינוֹ מֻכְרָח שֶׁיִּהְיֶה כָּל כָּךְ גָּדוֹל עַד שֶׁלֹּא יַנִּיחַ לוֹ מָקוֹם אֶל עֲבוֹדָתוֹ עַל כֵּן נִצְטַוִּינוּ לִקְבֹּעַ עִתִּים לַתּוֹרָה – Working is necessary to for a person’s parnassa but it is not necessary to increase work to the point of not having room for service of Hashem, therefore we are commanded to set times for Torah.
And in Pirkei Avot (4:10) (and also quoted by the Messilat Yesharim): הֱוֵי מְמַעֵט בְּעֵסֶק וַעֲסֹק בַּתּוֹרָה – minimize your (worldly) toil and toil in Torah.
And Messilat Yesharim (Nekiut) questions how many mitzvot are lost and how much learning isn’t done because of overworking to increase wealth. It quotes the gemara in Eruvin (55a) where Rebbi Yochanan says that וְלֹא מֵעֵבֶר לַיָּם הִיא means that Torah is not found in merchants and traders who are constantly busy with travel.
In the gemara in Berachot (35b) Rebbi Yehuda, son of Rebbi Il’ai is quoted as saying that “Earlier generations made their Torah permanent and their work occasional, and therefore they were successful in both. Later generations made their work permanent and their Torah occasional, and were successful in neither.”
Based on these and other teachings, I felt I could “suffer” through working for the salary and live a full life of Torah and community service outside of my job.
My New Role
In the summer of 2019, I interviewed and later got an offer for a job as a conference producer in the life sciences space. This role was much more aligned with my background: I would research industry trends and interview industry leaders to produce conferences and later articles, podcasts, and webinars. But this was also much more involved. I could not listen to a shiur while interviewing someone or trying to write up an agenda. I would have to travel for conferences. The work would be more meaningful: I would see the people I impact and also experience the conferences with them and see how those conferences impacted the industry. But the salary was not internally driven: I couldn’t work overtime doing three more interviews and expect a higher paycheck the way I could expect one when working overtime to do three extra reports.
Shaar HaBitachon
During this time, my chavruta recommended I learn Chovot Halevavot Shaar Habitachon. It was there I noticed what might be perceived as a machloket with Messilat Yesharim. The Chovot Halevavot writes two reasons why work exists.
One: מִפְּנֵי שֶׁחִיְּבָה הַחָכְמָה בְּחִינַת הַנֶּפֶשׁ בַּעֲבוֹדַת הָאֱלֹהִים וּבְהַמְרוֹתוֹ בָּחַן אוֹתָהּ בְּמָה שֶׁמַּרְאֶה זֶה מִמֶּנָּה וְהוּא הַצֹּרֶךְ וְהַחֶסְרוֹן אֶל מָה שֶׁהוּא חוּץ לָהּ מִמַּאֲכָל וּמִשְׁתֶּה וּמַלְבּוּשׁ וּמָעוֹן וּמִשְׁגָּל וְצִוָּה אוֹתָם לְחַזֵּר עֲלֵיהֶם לַהֲבִיאָם בְּסִבּוֹת הַמּוּכָנוֹת לָהֶם עַל פָּנִים מְיֻחָדִים וְעִתִּים יְדוּעִים – Divine Wisdom needs to test the soul in the service of Hashem or rebellion against Him (chas v’shalom). Therefore, G-d tests the choices we make when it comes to needing external things like food, drink, clothing, etc. We are commanded to pursue and acquire them in specific ways and in specific times (i.e. according the halacha and Torah hashkafa).
Two: כִּי אִלּוּ לֹא הֻצְרַךְ הָאָדָם לִטְרֹחַ וּלְחַזֵּר וּלְסַבֵּב לַהֲבָאַת טַרְפּוֹ הָיָה בּוֹעֵט וְרוֹדֵף אַחַר הָעֲבֵרוֹת וְלֹא הָיָה מַשְׁגִּיחַ עַל מָה שֶׁהוּא חַיָּב בּוֹ עַל טוֹבַת הָאֱלֹהִים עָלָיו – If man did not need to work to pursue a livelihood, he would rebel and chase aveirot and would ignore the debt of gratitude to Hashem.
Chovot Halevavot backs up his opinion with Avot as well (2:2): יָפֶה תַּלְמוּד תּוֹרָה עִם דֶּרֶךְ אֶרֶץ שֶׁיְּגִיעַת שְׁנֵיהֶם מְשַׁכַּחַת עָוֹן וְכָל תּוֹרָה שֶׁאֵין עִמָּהּ מְלָאכָה סוֹפָהּ בְּטֵלָה וְגוֹרֶרֶת עָוֹן – Torah with work is pleasant because through involvement of both one forgets sin and any Torah that does not have associated work will ultimately be abandoned and lead to sin.
Later in Shaar Habitachon, the Chovot Halevavot writes about different kinds of occupations – some of which may be more or less physically demanding – and that different people are suited for different kinds of work. He continues
תִּמְצָא מִדּוֹת בְּנֵי אָדָם וְגוֹפוֹתָם מוּכָנוֹת לִסְחוֹרוֹת וְלַמְּלָאכוֹת. וּמִי שֶׁמּוֹצֵא בְּמִדּוֹתָיו וְטִבְעוֹ כֹּסֶף אֶל מְלָאכָה מֵהַמְּלָאכוֹת וְיִהְיֶה גּוּפוֹ רָאוּי לָהּ וְיוּכַל לִסְבֹּל אֶת טָרְחָהּ יְחַזֵּר עָלֶיהָ וְיָשִׂים אוֹתָהּ סִבָּה לַהֲבָאַת מְזוֹנוֹ וְיִסְבֹּל מִתְקָהּ וּמְרִירוּתָהּ וְאַל יָקוֹץ כְּשֶׁיִּמָּנַע מִמֶּנּוּ הַטֶּרֶף בִּקְצָת הָעִתִּים אַךְ יִבְטַח בֵּאלֹהִים שֶׁיַּסְפִּיק לוֹ טַרְפּוֹ כָּל יְמֵי חַיָּיו. וִיכַוֵּן בְּטִרְדַּת לִבּוֹ וְגוּפוֹ בְּסִבָּה מִן הַסִּבּוֹת וְהַסִּבּוּב עָלֶיהָ לַעֲמֹד בְּמִצְוַת הַבּוֹרֵא שֶׁצִּוָּה הָאָדָם לְהִתְעַסֵּק בְּסִבּוֹת הָעוֹלָם כַּעֲבוֹדַת הָאֲדָמָה וַחֲרִישָׁתָהּ וּזְרִיעָתָהּ כְּמוֹ שֶׁכָּתוּב (בראשית ב טו) וַיִּקַּח ה׳ אֱלֹהִים אֶת הָאָדָם וַיַּנִּחֵהוּ בְגַן עֵדֶן לְעָבְדָהּ וּלְשָׁמְרָהּ.
You will find among people character and physical traits suited for certain businesses or activities. One who finds his nature and personality attracted to a certain occupation, and his body is suited for it, that he will be able to bear its demands - he should pursue it, and make it his means of earning a livelihood, and he should bear its pleasures and pains, and not be upset when sometimes his income is withheld, rather let him trust in G-d that He will support him all of his days. And he should have intention when his mind and body are occupied with one of the means of earning a living to fulfill the commandment of the Creator to pursue the means of the world, such as working the land, plowing and sowing it, as written “And G-d took the man and placed him in Gan Eden to work it and to guard it” (Bereishis 2:15).
The Counter-Offer
Perhaps, then – as long as it is l’shem shamayim – I should find work that is well suited for me and feels meaningful, even if my increased involvement with it may decrease my overall Torah learning (especially assuming the salaries would be relatively equal). After discussing with my family, friends, and future wife, I accepted the offer as a conference producer and gave my two weeks’ notice at the law firm.
After meeting with HR at the firm, I was called in for a meeting with my boss who presented a counteroffer effectively doubling my salary if I stayed, with promises for further salary growth as I continued. This led to a more poignant question that I asked my Rav, Rabbi Eliyahu Wolf of YIW and DRS. While I may value doing work that is meaningful to me over a job that is easier and provides me more time for learning, would it be appropriate to accept the new role when I could ostensibly make significantly more money in the old one? Does meaning at work override both salary and time for learning?
Rebbi’s Advice
My Rav spoke through the different elements with me and guided me saying that there were legitimate sources to hold by for either decision and that there may have been other factors to consider:
One’s parnassa is determined regardless of the work one does. Potentially, the new more meaningful role would later pay more or the seeming promise of a higher salary at the original role would be negatively impacted.
Rethinking my approach to the Messilat Yesharim: I would have to work regardless and either job was an appropriate amount of hishtadlut. It wasn’t as though I was trading in a job where I worked half a day for a job where I worked 20 hours a day or that I was going out of my way to work longer for the sake of wealth. I could still be koveah ittim and make the Torah primary.
The impact on mental health: Would doing monotonous work that didn’t provide me with meaning for 8 hours a day drain me mentally in a way work I found more varied and meaningful would not?
I also did some research which led to concerns about counteroffers: when you’ve told your company you plan to leave and they offer you more money, will that actually keep you? What happens next time they need to make cuts? They know you have expressed interest to leave and your salary is now a bigger line on their budget.
With the support of my community (family, friends, future wife, Rav, etc), I accepted my role with the new company.
Conclusion
Looking back at this decision, I hope I can say that I’ve satisfied the positions of both the Messilat Yesharim and Chovot Halevavot. Outside of when I am physically working at my conferences, I am able to work normal hours and have been able to make time around those hours to learn. While working as a conference producer, I have been able to start up mishnah, gemara, and other learning cycles, chavrutot, and chaburot. I have also been able to make Aliyah and involve myself more in the community and shul.
At work, I have been able to build relationships with people across industry, see the impact of my work on individuals and companies, and feel legitimately fulfilled with what I do. I have also seen how things completely out of my control – like Covid or who’s in office – impact both of these potential jobs and their associated salaries. Everything is in Hashem’s hands.
I have come to believe that as long as I can continue to be koveah ittim, it is more important to me to have a career where I do meaningful and interesting work than one that maximizes my per-hour income.
Editors Note:
This seems like a happy ending, almost too happy. Is it really possible to have such a great setup, meaningful work time to learn, and a good Parnassa?
The answer to that question is very personal. Each person’s situation is different, and each year, month and day of our lives is different.
But I think that each and every one of us is obligated to try. To try and maximize the precious time we have on this earth. Taking a cynical approach will prevent a person from ever trying to go through a process like Andrew described here. You miss all the shots you don’t take. It seems like Andrew shot and scored.
-YW
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