Elul is here. And I am feeling lots of different things.
Thinking back to where I was last year, an uncomfortable pair of questions arises.
Am I really doing any better now than I was last year?
Is there any chance that next year will be any different?
Underneath these questions there is a very uncomfortable feeling. It's a mixture of emotions, but one of the dominant ones is: loneliness.
On a basic level, this is due to the fact that this isn't really the type of thing I shmuess about with my chavrusa or coworkers. But there's another reason why this feels like a lonely journey.
Divine Combat Support
In order to understand why, we need to look at this week's parsha, and last week's.
Both in Ki Teitze this week and Shoftim last week, we read that Hashem is with the Jewish soldiers at war.
כִּי ה' אֱלֹהֵיכֶם הַהֹלֵךְ עִמָּכֶם לְהִלָּחֵם לָכֶם עִם אֹיְבֵיכֶם לְהוֹשִׁיעַ אֶתְכֶם
"For it is the LORD your God who marches with you to do battle for you against your enemy, to bring you victory." (Devarim 20:4)
כִּי ה' אֱלֹהֶיךָ מִתְהַלֵּךְ בְּקֶרֶב מַחֲנֶךָ לְהַצִּילְךָ וְלָתֵת אֹיְבֶיךָ לְפָנֶיךָ
"Since the LORD your God moves about in your camp to protect you and to deliver your enemies to you..." (Devarim 23:15)
Hashem tells us He is with us in battle, so there is nothing to fear. Someone who isn't alone, who doesn't feel abandoned, who has help and support, should be confident and unafraid. When the Jewish people fight against our enemies, we are representing Hashem, and He is in our corner.
The same idea shows up in Le'David, which we say every day starting in Elul.
לְדָוִד ה' אוֹרִי וְיִשְׁעִי מִמִּי אִירָא ה' מָעוֹז חַיַּי מִמִּי אֶפְחָד
"Of David. The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life; whom shall I dread?" (Tehillim 27:1)
Dovid HaMelech says over and over that he is not afraid, that nothing bad will happen, despite his enemies and detractors, because Hashem is close by and ready to help.
Lonely Road
This is all great when we are facing a national enemy. But when it comes to teshuva, it can feel very different.
We are trying to come close to Hashem. Until we succeed, it feels like Hashem is distant. The road to Him is long, bumpy, and full of forces trying to stop us. Since we are on the path towars Him, He doesn't yet feel close, and we are feeling alone.
First Step
When I thought about it more, I started to see it differently.
We know that once a person starts doing teshuva, Hashem helps him. Chazal teach that if you open a hole the size of a needle, Hashem will open one large enough to walk through. If you begin the process of becoming pure, you get assistance from Above. The first step is ours. But after that, Hashem helps, because Hashem loves us and wants our teshuva to succeed.
This changes the picture. After that initial effort, we can draw a real parallel between not fearing in war and the experience of teshuva. We are walking the rest of the path together with Hashem. There's nothing to be afraid of.
Hashiveinu… ViNashuva…
I think this idea is alluded to in our davening. We say השיבנו ה' אליך ונשובה, bring us back to You, and we will return.
What's the extra word doing there? ונשובה, and we will return? Maybe the answer is that first we need to start coming towards Hashem. But after that first step, the rest of the Teshuva process, is done together with Him.
This is incredibly comforting. We get to do it with Hashem's presence, Hashem's love, and Hashem's help.
Teshuva of Torah
There is one more idea which we can add to this mindset. Chazal tell us in a number of places that Hashem is present amongst those who learn Torah. There are also many sources that emphasize the importance of learning as part of the Teshuva process. Putting these two together, we can suggest that a person who puts Torah at the center of his Teshuva has the close presence of Hashem along the way.
Will this work?
I don't believe in simplistic solutions to life's thorniest problems. I don't think that I might have come up with an Einstein level theory of teshuva in between games of Rat-a-Tat-Cat with my kids. Rather, I hope it will be a valuable contribution to my journey, by shifting my Elul mindset away from loneliness and fear. Check back with me next Elul to see what the results were.