As we approach the Yamim Noraim, someone recently asked me: what do I think about making kabbalos (personal resolutions or spiritual commitments)? How do you actually make a change that lasts, one that’s viable and sustainable?
I answered honestly: I have no idea. But the question stuck with me. We all want to grow, to become better people—so why do we end up stuck in the same rut, year after year?
I posed the question to the Shtark Tank WhatsApp community, and the responses were fascinating.
(For more Yamim Noraim prep, tune in to this week’s podcast with Rav Dovid Lichtenstein)
The Smaller The Better
One of the themes that came up repeatedly was making very small kabalos. Nachum Goldstein wrote that there's a story about R' Nosson Tzvi Finkel, that he once made a kabbala not to eat taffys. He knew it was easy for him so he took it upon himself, and that way you can start to view yourself as a person who makes kabbalas and sticks to them. Self perception is also a big factor in being able to stick to a kabbala, and by starting small it creates self confidence.
Effy Hochstein wrote to me that Rav Yakov Meidan, Rosh Yeshiva of Har Etzion, also recommends keeping things simple and achievable. The goal is to be able to succeed in the short term, and continue forever.
But is it possible that a really small change will actually be meaningful for our overall spiritual growth? The guys who wrote in had a lot to say about this.
Firstly, yes, even micro changes are meaningful. Change is challenging, no matter the size. Therefore, putting in the effort to make a small improvement is worthwhile.
Second, the small kabala doesn’t have to contradict bigger aspirations. One listener from RBS wrote:
In my experience, choose something, and reduce it to it's minimal commitment with the 'intention' to do more. The balance between a very manageable chiyuv with a framework to do more works well. For example, saying אשר יצר from a text. Commit to do it at least once a week, but intend to do it all the time. The formula has worked pretty well for me across a range of things.
And third, the action itself might be small, but repeating it over and over can have tremendous impact. This is what Adam Lang wrote to me:
I heard from Rav Kellermen how Rav Yisrael Salanter would compare human growth to making sirtut on klaf:
You take the kulmus and run it on the klaf along a ruler. If you use something heavier, it will shred the klaf. The first time you score a line with the kulmus, a moment later you'll see nothing. And the second time. And the third. You keep going until 20, 30, 40 times later, you've made a permanent, visible indent on the klaf.
The nimshal is that with patience and repeated exposure to reading material or practical exercises that involve the desired behaviour improvement, it will ultimately make a lasting impression.
Go Deep
Another common response was to think about the deeper causes behind certain behaviors. This is especially relevant when thinking about a negative kabbalah, refraining from doing something.
Rav Shloimy Eichler wrote as follows:
Understanding the root of the “negative” behavior. Or in other words - understanding why you resort to that behavior when you. Is it because it’s somehow self soothing, comforting, is it driven by past trauma ect?
So for example, one might waste a lot of time and on their phone or watching TV because they use it as a crutch to deal with the stress in their day (they may not even realize that’s why they’re doing it).
In such a case I think the appropriate route would be to identify what’s making you stressed and finding alternative ways of handling it.
But this is not limited to avoiding negative actions. Aleph Lewitt told me: Ask yourself “why” and answer with the value/piece of your desired identity which the kabala speaks to/contributes to. That way the change is being motivated by your loftier aspirations, and will therefore have a better chance of succeeding.
Addition Thoughts
There were many other valuable ideas that were shared with me. Here are a few more. Yoni Romm wrote that the first week is the hardest. If you can push hard, do what it takes, and get past that first milestone, it will become much easier.
A listener from the UK wrote:
Create ritual -manageable action tied to specific place/time of day with clear positive consequence - so requires minimal self-discipline to keep it up (it's focus of Charlie Harary's book Unlocking Greatness). For example, instead of saying "I am going to learn Mishna Yomi" say "after Mariv, I am going to sit down in the back of Shul and learn Mishna Yomi. This allows the new ritual to latch on to an exisiting habit, making it that much easier.
My Kabbala
So what am I going to do with all of this information? I am going to try and come early to mincha. 60 seconds early.
I go to shacharis and Mariv from my house, and with the kids around there are often last second delays. But I daven mincha at work, so I don’t have that excuse. I hope that taking 60 seconds to take a few deep breaths and orient myself will have a positive effect on my tefila.
In addition to the fact that this is a small, hopefully manageable improvement, this change also touches on something deeper. Focus and concentration is an overall challenge that I struggle with, so hopefully this will allow me to carve out a small slice of my day for deeper focus.
I hope you found these ideas helpful. If you have additional tips, please drop them in the comments!